Enjoying this Holiday Season

Although I am burned out a little right now (if I am burned out, I can imagine the Hubby must definitely be burned out!) of the Academy I am enjoying every little thing and taking it all in that he's got a  8-5ish M-F shift with all Holiday's and weekends OFF right now.  We picked out and decorated our tree, him and I wrapped the kid's presents together, we've went out looking at Christmas lights as a family and again with friends. Not too many plans on our weekends- just family time.  For the Christmas Holiday our only plans are for dinner at Dads on Christmas Eve,  stay home all day with the kids and then have dinner at my mom's on Christmas Day.

  Next season will probably be drastically different!  That I am not looking forward too, I can handle him working Thanksgiving and even Christmas Eve-maybe. BUT if he's working Christmas morning,  that will be the toughest for me.  That's my favorite time (obviously since we have small kids it's the BEST time during the Holiday season) We'll just have to get creative as to when Santa visits our home because Daddy's a police officer. As excited as our kids are for that alone I am sure they'll not even care when Santa comes.  Again- one day at a time- that's a whole year from now! Any cop wives have suggestions on how you handle Christmas Morning if the Hubby is working??

Hubby's first FAIL

Week 17

Hubby had his first FAIL this week! If you ask me he got a C not an F because the percentage of the test was 76%. All tests are different but this one in particular was a 80% to pass.  I didn't even believe him at first actually. He had been doing so well in scenario's and written that a FAIL hadn't even crossed my mind.  All week him and I thought/stressed about it.  ( he wasn't allowed to re-take until Friday) The thing is he's only allowed 3 fails and if you fail the same test twice you fail OUT OF THE ACADEMY! The good thing was he knew what he got wrong so he knew what to study for the week.    But it's a bit stressful to take that second time- even if you know what you did wrong.

Well Friday morning came and I didn't hear from him (that he was on his way home, due to the fail) so I assumed he passed.  By 6 that evening I finally heard from him and got the confirmation.  PASS!

The stress of this stuff is crazy! To know that he could in fact fail out?? We have made such changes in our lives and have so many people rooting for us it would be devastating for him to fail out at this point in the game. As he and I both say though, one day at a time. We've got 21 weeks left.  NOT EVEN HALF WAY YET!!!

Am I cut out for this??

 It's no secret that it's been a tough transition for us(it's after all the reason this blog exists).  I felt though that I remained in control of my emotions, stayed positive and strong for me and the family over the last 11 weeks.  Even when Hubby didn't look so good nor did he sound so good at times- I still remained very positive and always supportive.  In other words, I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it! 

I however seemed to have lost my "big girl no crying panties" a few days ago... I believe it started when in one of hubby's scenario tests he informed me they used a real gun with blanks in it to portray an "ambush".  So that means that really happens? People really do shoot at cops? I always knew that obviously, but it didn't hit home until my Hubby was "the cops". This freaks me out.   And brings me to these questions: Am I cut out to be a cops wife? Can I handle the dangers he'll be putting himself in day in and day out?   I knew it was dangerous, but I don't think I ever really grasped just how dangerous it can be.   I am confident he is being trained very well and will be well prepared for this dangerous job ahead(he is after all in one of the top 5 Academy's in our state).  AND  bottom line is- whether I feel cut out for it or not, it's happening, this is my life!  I am working on putting my faith in God on this one and do my best to enjoy and make good quality time as a family when he is home.  

Also, this week I became very tired of the academy and all it brings.  I am tired of the 2 hour drive home for hubby, I am tired of the boot shinning, brass polishing, ironing,studying, paper writing etc.. I miss him and seeing the kids miss him is really hard.  It consumes most of his time when he is actually home and I am just over it. We are not even half way yet either!!!!   So I text my girlfriend; I need a pep talk, I am not in a good way right now! HELP!!   But before I could meet up with the girlfriend, I spilled it all to Hubby. I don't hide my emotions or the way I feel very well, when I am bothered by something he can tell.  So of course after the kids were in bed he asked me what is going on??   I completely lost control of the emotions and let him know all that I was worried about. Him and I always have good communication (15 years in the making) and it wasn't that I didn't want to share it with him, but I want to make sure I am always supportive for him. So when I am feeling down and not so positive I want to vent to one of my girls first.  He listened to all I had to say and didn't say much but did hug me. (I love our hugs)
It was a good talk and I felt better after.  By the time I got to hook up with the girlfriend I felt so much better. It was just a 2 day pity party, but is always nice to still fill her in and get some additional thoughts and discussion in. Also she's always good for a laugh which I really needed!!!

God will only give you what you can handle

We're in week 9!  I've been absent from the blog for a bit for a few reasons, one is simply  I didn't have much to say.  Things had really gotten better, more manageable, reasonable, less stressful, less temper tantrums from the boy, hubby was physically tired but actually in good spirits.  I really feel like we're in a good spot right now.  A few weeks ago we were really having a tough time adjusting (as you probably already read).  Hubby was absent much of the week and when he was here he was studying, writting papers, shinning boots or plain exhausted. He had missed a few family/friend functions and missed out on some of our evening dinners which is all new for us.  We missed him and he was missing us.  I had always heard and some-what believed that "God will never give you more then you can handle"  I now know and believe this to be true.  I don't consider myself a religious person, I pray daily but am not a every weekend church go-er.   Things were REALLY tough for us and with some time and prayer they just got a little easier. He has been home a few nights in time for dinner, he's adjusted to the early mornings and challenging PT so he's not so exhausted anymore.  He had a few holiday's this month too which helped for family time and rest.   Last night he made it in time to watch our girl sing with her class.  So the saying is true- God really will not give you more then you can handle.

   Another reason I haven't written in a while was becuase  I was also  feeling a bit self-involved-creating this blog and felt like I was complaining constantly.  I am NOT a complainer nor am I a negative person. So I will be working on staying true to who I am and being positive even in tougher times.  My original plan was to create a blog for getting thru the academy and soon-to-be police wifes while also updating family members along the journey too.   And I hope it is just that.

    Today  hubby had what we call a mini-swing shift. He went in at 12:30 pm and will be off at 9:30pm.  It was nice because he got to sleep in a little,  take our girl to school and have coffee and breakfast with me and our boy.  He then took our boy to pre-school and came home to study a bit.  It was nice to spend the morning with him. He's continuing to not only pass in all the tests but excel in the class and become one of the leaders the others look up to. Him and a few others have been recognized for their accomplishments and how well they are doing. I'm sure for hubby it's a nice feeling and helps with the mental struggle a bit.  I know I am so so proud of him and us.

Things are good

Week 6

 End of week 6! The Hubby's attitude is much better, he's been doing some major soul searchin and taking things day by day.  I have failed to mention in my other posts that academically he's kickin butt. He hasn't gotten less then a 88% on all tests!!
We're together working on the boy's behavior and I am really putting my foot down and getting him in check. Our girl who I've rarely talked about is an absolute angel.  Aside of mornings (she's just like Daddy with the hate for mornings) and some homework times she's been amazing.   I often thank her for being so helpful and let her know that she's helping me just by minding and doing what she's told. 
Hubby got his duty belt and bullet proof vest this week. I am not sure who was more excited, him or the kids?!?  It was really cute to see them so in to daddy and to watch hubby explain what each thing on the belt was for. The boy is just over the moon about daddy being a police officer.
I am so excited for this weekend. I have a baby shower to attend of a very close friend, Hubby and I have a date night planned tomorrow night and Sunday brunch/football with the funniest friends/girls I know to celebrate a bestie birthday!  I need this weekend so bad and feel so blessed to have such a wonderful support system around us.  I have received many calls, messages, texts offering support and I can't say thank you enough.  Hubby and I have the very best friends and family. so THANK YOU, you all know who you are!!!! :)

The Wedding...

 The night before the wedding the hubby was moaping around a bit and I as gently as possible told him, please, if you are going to be like this at the wedding I'd really just prefer you don't come.  (you have to know me to know that this way of talking to the hubby is acceptable. I can be a bit abrupt sometimes and he can handle me)  My brother and the family were well aware of his new hours and situation so he kinda had a "pass" to not attend. I,  for selfish reasons needed and wanted him there to be with me and for the help with the kids, but would also be ok with him deciding not to attend.  BUT I definitely didnt want him there if he was going to be the way he was Monday night.  He said no, I'll be there and I'll be fine.

 Tuesday night (night of the wedding) he arrives, I am so happy to see him, but right away I know something is not right, he again is a bit down and moapy.  He's putting a smile on and being very friendly to the family and is happy to see the kids. I give him a quick hug and go get us a drink. I am having to do a speech so I am a little nervous at this point, not to mention I had just misplaced my keys at the Japanese Tea Garden we were at so the blood pressure was HIGH.   All of the family is approaching the hubby with their congrats on the new job and wanting to know how things are going. Every once in a while I am catching him with a blank stare.
The night goes on, kids are having a blast on the dance floor, I make it thru my speech and everyone is having a nice time. Everyone but the hubby.  It's clear to me we need to leave.  I really want to stay because the kids are having a great time, its wonderful to spend time with family I haven't seen in a while., but it's 10 o clock and he's got to be up very early. I know it's best to leave. 

In the hotel room we finally get the kids calmed down and we're in bed. He reaches for my hand and apologizes for his mood. He says that he's had yet another really tough day, mentally. (now turning into a tough week) He's beginning to really think about the dangers he'll be putting himself in front of  daily and the fact that he has a family to come home to every night  and he's worried the more he sees these dangers the more "robot" he'll become in his life.    He feels as if he's being selfish putting the family thru this.  The conversation continues for a little while about many different thoughts he's having....
After listening carefully and letting him get it all out. I am a bit speechless. I am shocked that he'd even have a second thought at this "dream" job.  I remind him that we are in this TOGETHER and we chose this TOGETHER.  I also say that I think he needs to give this a fair chance and complete the academy. He agreed.  Then comes our boy, "mommy and daddy I want to sleep with you guys!!"  Perfect timing little man, come on in:)   They always know how to make you feel a little bit better.

  PS: Traveling with the kids wasn't so bad.  I had a few stressful moments (when I lost my keys. Then the boy threw a fit in front of my entire family the morning after the wedding over no more SAUSAGE) waahhhhhhh

My outlet

Last May I ran my first half marathon in SF with my cousin and some great friends. I would never normally consider myself a "runner" but a friend approached me with the idea and I thought, hey why not?! I had wanted to get in shape anyway and thought it'd be a great way to start.  I/we all trained for 10+ weeks to run our 13.1 miles and boy was it an experiance!!  I found however that running was so so good for my mind, my body and my soul.  I ended up completing the half marathon in 2 hours and 26 min. I had a goal of a much better time, but hey I completed it!   After the half marathon I felt as if I needed something else to continue my fitness journey.  Although I had found a new liking to running, I wanted to take my fitness to a new level, I needed something MORE and a new challenge.  Another friend of mine was looking amazing and turned me on to Jamie Eason's 12 week Live Fit program at BodyBuilding.com ! I am IN LOVE with this program and all of Jamie's recipes.  I have since completed the 12 weeks and then started over recently in the 3rd week to complete the12 again. I am seeing real results and feel amazing. I for the first time in my life enjoy fitness, running, weight training and just being at the gym. I put on my music and just DO IT. It feels amazing. This has been my best outlet for all the stress. I highly recommend it!!